About purpose
I don't feel the best today. I caught a cold, and I am very tired. It is Monday morning (luckily it's my day off), I am drinking my green tea, and I just took vitamins and medicine. Life feels a little bit heavy because I was supposed to have a 4‑day weekend full of rest and nice activities, but instead I got sick. It is almost funny how this always happens to me. I get through a period of huge stress, my body sets up survival mode, and the moment I have my planned vacation, I get sick immediately. Every single time.
I don't have the energy, and I need to pull myself together and heal today so I can get back to work tomorrow, which is impossible, of course. And it just made me think about this incredible pressure coming from every direction in life. Pressure to find a passion, a purpose, a job that pays well, even daily things like doing the tasks, being present in the meetings, using AI. Pressure to save and invest money but enjoy life at the same time. There is so much pressure on everything. Exactly when can we have a little break to breathe?
I have been searching for a purpose for about 7 years, and I am really really really exhausted from that. After all these years of research, therapies, coaching sessions, traveling, living in different countries, people arriving and leaving my life, I feel like I am nowhere closer to the answer. I don't know what my purpose is, and honestly, sometimes I question the purpose of everything. Maybe I don't understand the definition correctly.
I am a woman who wants to paint and live by the sea, maybe organize some art workshops, create a little community for people who enjoy painting. But purpose sounds like I need to solve world hunger or plastics in the ocean. And I don't have those things on my mind. Why was I put on this planet? To paint and swim? Or to be a good person and to love and care about the people who are close to me? That's not enough, right?
I watch people on social media having 4 businesses at the same time, doing meaningful things, trying to solve many different issues. And then there's me, who is overthinking what is the right time to draw.
In the past, I explored the concept of ikigai, a Japanese way of living with purpose. It asks very big questions, but at the same time it validates that spending time in the garden, taking care of animals, or making coffee for the neighbour is living life with purpose too. According to ikigai, little things are purposeful. And then there are social media constantly screaming at us that we are not enough because we simply do not do enough.
I remember one moment when I expressed that I want to go for a walk, and I was asked, "And what is the point of going somewhere without a reason?" I was kind of shocked. I think this is the way to destroy freedom and joy in life. I don't want to live like that.
I was the person who tried to find a reason behind everything because it helped me move forward in life. I needed answers to my questions to process stuff. But some questions that I have were never answered, and they never will be, and I still had to move on. So, I am slowly realizing 2 things: either not everything needs to have a purpose, or there is a purpose in everything, but I just don't see it.