I am completely exhausted...and it's just Tuesday
I don't remember having weekend nor my 2‑week vacation. Everything is in the past. I am begging my last cells of energy to finish this post.
When I started to work at my company almost 5 years ago, it was really one of the best jobs that I experienced. Not that it was my dream job or something like that but it was very easy, chill, minimum stress, repetitive tasks. I thought I was working for a good company. And now I am a corporate zombie. It's not chill anymore, because it's been my second year doing workload for multiple people as most employees in the world right now. How is this human?
Workload is there, so let's add multitasking where you have to constantly pause what you are doing because there are more urgent things to do and they all have to be done ASAP. Then maybe some unexpected meetings like today. From one minute to another we found out that employees from headquarters country are fired. Fortunately, it hasn't impacted us, yet, but it created confusion and unnecessary stress for me and all of my colleagues. It was a second reminder (the first one I experienced in the summer, not that long ago) that it can happen anytime, to anybody. I don't understand how we should all be okay, positive, happy, smiling creatures capable of performing at a top level. I will never understand that.
Corporate really isn't for sensitive and anxious people. It takes the best out of me. I feel like it is destroying my health and soul. I don't have energy for writing (I really have to push myself to continue in this very moment, because I don't want to lie on my sofa and scroll on Instagram for hours again). I want to get back to drawing, I have some nice ideas. Even maybe work towards my dream so I can get closer.
I am just thinking about this whole game of employment where we have to sell ourselves on our CV and at job interviews. We have to prove that we have a value for the company, for the employer. And we mistake this for our true value. Once I've heard this comparison with a baby. When a baby is born, nobody asks the CV, skills or years of experience. Everybody is happy, it is a reason to celebrate because a baby already has a value, value of human life. A baby doesn't need to prove anything to anybody, everybody loves it exactly the way it is. But once we enter the workforce, we are stripped down of this concept and forced to compete and show that we are worth something. In reality, we are just numbers that can disappear by one business decision.
One of the Buddhist teachings says that if we want to be at peace, we have to accept. I think that my brain has huge trouble accepting that this is it. To be a corporate zombie. To survive. I just don't think that this is normal, neither a way to inner peace or happiness. I am still super conflicted about this. Should we just accept it because work is not our whole life and it pays our bills? Or should we spend all those hours per day with what gives us joy and fulfillment? "Not everyone can do what they enjoy." – I've heard this over and over again. What is the right answer? What if I cannot stop caring how I spend 8+ hours every day. Maybe it's really important for me, even if I try to convince myself that it shouldn't be and it's just work. Maybe this is how it is for hypersensitive and anxious people, it is not just work. I would like to do something meaningful, creative and maybe help people too. I just hope that one day I will win over my overthinking, anxiety and impostor syndrome.