One more lesson about friendships
Life has been very crazy lately, I am kind of shocked, drained and I am processing thousands of things. I don't feel very good since yesterday so I am trying if writing them down will help me a little bit but it is very difficult to put into words what is going on in my mind.
Yesterday, one of my friendships ended in a very bad way. I noticed a change in myself that for the last couple of weeks those conversations drained my energy completely and I wasn't looking forward to them anymore. I knew exactly how they were going to look like and what they would be about. I am thinking about the time and energy I poured into this friendship which started very nice and turned toxic in the last year. I feel like life slapped me pretty hard and I didn't expect it, I hoped for a little bit of peace until the end of the year. But that was not the plan apparently.
I am feeling sad because of everything that I realized and learned. I have made many mistakes and I fell into my patterns which I thought I was already healed from. I wish that this was the last lesson of this kind. I wish to experience only healthy friendships from now on. I feel like this experience broke me and made me grow at the same time.
I don't want to be an emotional dumpster and therapist anymore. I don't want to listen to drama for hours. And mostly, I can never again watch a woman dragging her self-worth on the floor and refusing to take any kind of responsibility and accountability for her actions.
I really wish to experience female friendships that are peaceful, honest and balanced. I want to feel that I am also worthy to be listened to even when I don't have dramatic stories about men to share. I would like to meet women who are confident and know their worth, who are inspiring and I can learn from.
Why are female friendships so difficult in adulthood :(
One of the things I am thinking about is that loneliness is very confusing and tricky, we see potential in people or better said we hope for potential but it makes us blind. We overlook a lot of important things. Differences that initially seem small but later on, they turn out to be enormous differences in values and perspectives on life. And suddenly understanding and common ground may disappear in an instant.
It is painful and uncomfortable right now but it doesn't make me close myself off, which always happened before in the past. I realized that I want to do things differently, learn from my mistakes and I really wish to experience a healthy friendship one day.