Some thoughts about love and relationships
I have been single for a long time...years.
Even though I've seen a major shift in attitude towards relationships nowadays, a lack of effort, and bad stories of friends and acquaintances have made me doubtful, a little piece of hope is still there.
I have always been a very romantic person, but life experiences changed me from hopeless to skeptical and then to hopeful, for now. Of course, I have had and still have dark moments of huge doubt. Maybe love is not for everybody, and I belong to this category.
Everything about love and relationships is scary. One of my biggest wishes is to meet somebody who would love me for the way I am. I imagine it is what most people wish for. Being accepted and loved with all the good and bad.
But there is nothing more terrifying than opening up and letting somebody into my inner world. I have done that a couple of times in the past, and obviously it didn't go very well. My anxiety doesn't have any evidence that opening up will be so much worth it and that everything will work out beautifully. It would be amazing to have a positive case study.
Since I was a kid, I have always loved romantic movies. I grew up on American romcoms where no matter what characters went through, the happy ending was the most important part. They held me in a space of naivety for quite some time. My perception of them was changing slowly as I was going through my relationship experiences over the years. Now I love romantic movies which are full of raw emotions, challenges, disappointments, and break-ups. I love romantic movies which are real and sad regardless of the ending because this is the reality of relationships. European, Japanese and Korean cinematography is really good at portraying real love. On top of that, I also have to admit that I binge-watch some dating reality shows because they are just the most fascinating social experiment that was ever created. They are a mirror of our society.
Today, I was watching a video of Esther Perel, who said that we should ditch the list of things that we want to have in a perfect partner. She mentioned it in the context that we are hyper-critical about other people and not enough towards ourselves. I think it is important to know what qualities, character and values we are looking for. But usually, that list comes with so many superficial and unforgivable descriptions too. If we plan to keep that list we should also ask, 'What kind of partner am I?/** What kind of partner do I want to be?' or the toughest question of all, 'Would I date somebody like myself?' I am thinking about my answers.
My big dilemma is also how people meet the love of their life. Ideally, in an organic way. Because I know that I don't want to be on dating apps. The only problem is that I don't go anywhere to meet new people. I hoped for some romantic miracle where I wouldn't be forced to get out of my comfort zone but the probability looks precisely like zero. I need to gather a little bit of courage and confidence and maybe participate in some matchmaking events in my city. It has been such a long time since I was on a date...again, years. I cannot even imagine how it feels.
I sound like an old person. I am not (although, sometimes I have a little bit of an old soul, I guess), I just closed myself off and tried to heal because there was and still is so much to process.
Love is so messy. It can be the most amazing and devastating thing at the same time. To open up romantically to somebody, we put everything in the hands of this person knowing they can destroy us in two seconds. But we hope they will choose to love us instead. I thought that I would figure out a way around this. Since I promised myself that I will do everything I can to live an authentic life, I realized that there is no shortcut other than taking a risk (unless I want to have a relationship with AI, which is totally insane, but that is for another post).
I am worried because I know it is going to be a big challenge. Compatibility, character, values, and lifestyle are one category but there are other things. Society is trying to push only one right way of living as a guarantee of happiness - being in a marriage with kids. That's the perfect dream. I don't see it that way. I think that there are many ways to construct a happy life. It took me many years and tears to figure out what I truly want, so that little hope I have is that maybe one day I will meet somebody who has the same vision as me.