Surviving and living
Yesterday I went to a Japanese festival in my city. The weather was perfect and it was all outside in one of the city squares. Organizers prepared many beautiful activities including how to properly put on and tie a kimono, a tea ceremony, a Japanese martial arts demonstration and a cosplay show. Visitors could also try to fold origami, fish for marbles in a small pool, get souvenirs from ANA Airlines and have their names written in calligraphy. It was an amazing event and I am very happy that I decided to go. What touched my heart the most was the traditional Japanese dance at the end of the festival. Hosts advised us to gather around the historical column in the middle of the square. Music started playing and we could see a couple of beautiful Japanese women and children dressed in kimonos beginning to move to the rhythm, encouraging us to follow them. So many people joined them, even the Japanese ambassador! Everybody forgot about their problems for a couple of minutes and enjoyed dancing and smiling, awkwardly trying to copy their movements but in the end it looked like a lot of fun. I almost cried, but thankfully I was wearing sunglasses so I kept my smiling face. This moment made me feel alive and I thought how life can be awesome sometimes.
On my good days I am very grateful for my life, for all people who care about me, for my independence, for having a job and salary, for the apartment that I rent, for everything. On my bad days, I am anxious that I don't have what I want and I am not where I want to be.
The truth is that I accomplished one of my biggest dreams: to be independent. A couple of years ago when I lived abroad and I was in a very unhappy relationship, I remember crying in the bathroom and wishing a completely different life for me. This one that I have right now. I wanted to prove to myself that I can become an independent adult, capable of taking care of myself. I turned a dream into reality but I feel like I am surviving. I am able to live by myself but life is so expensive for one person that it worries me most of the time. I made the dream of independence come true but it arrived with a whole set of issues and doubts. Is it always like this when we accomplish something?
During the festival I realized that I miss traveling so much. That feeling of preparing the baggage, going to the airport, flying off the runway, looking at the clouds and landing in a different world. Traveling is one of the things that make me feel alive. I know I can visit different cities and places in my country, but it's not the same. You know, that obsession with the sea.
The reality is pretty bad right now in a sense. I know that a huge percentage of Europeans can only afford to live with their parents or roommates because the cost of living is unbelievably high. Three years ago when I went to Portugal by myself, it was quite easy because at that time I lived with my mom. But now it's a different story. This year I made my health the priority so everybody who has multiple health issues and is trying to solve them at private doctors or clinics (=because that's the best chance) probably understands me. However, next year I hope I will be writing my posts also from different countries. If not by making my 24-year-old dream come true, then at least by going on vacations. I am looking into cheaper ways of traveling, for example pet sitting. With the right people and pets, I think it can be a very nice experience.
In the meantime, I want to work on figuring out how I can add more things into my life that make me feel alive here. So far, it is spending time with people I care about, swimming (I will write about it more in the future) and writing may begin to become part of this too.